Beauty Tips for Teen Girls
When I was pretty I had a foolproof way of maintaining a slim figure. It
involved a simple three pronged meal plan. School day, Saturday, Sunday. By
following this plan, you too can attain the beauty necessary to make high school
slightly less painful.
Skip breakfast because you have cheerleading practice at 6:45am. Yes, it’s true
you hate these girls, and you’re a cheerleader not because you give a rat’s ass
about high school athletics or mother fucking spirit, but because it’s an
immunization against the good grades and preferential treatment you get from
teachers. At the end of the day, you may be a “brain” but you’re first and
foremost a cheerleader. Suck it up, suck on Menthol Player Lights, but do not
suck on candy unless it is the too slippery Estee sugarless variety. If you
awaken with actual painful hunger pangs, a half grapefruit is acceptable, if
Lunch will always consist of a Pepsi Light (they put a little lemony taste in
and took out all the calories!) or Tab and a jar of apricot baby food. It has
vitamin C which is Good for You.
After school snack: You and your boyfriend will not be able to leave the school
grounds until 4:30pm, he has baseball, you have play practice, or forensics or
one of those other things you’re doing to get into a good college. This means
you only have from 4:40 when you get back home until 5:11pm to have sex and get
dressed again before your Mom pulls in the driveway. If there’s any time left
for food, eat something like 4 saltines. It looks like more food than it is and
helps cleanse the palette if you know what I mean.
Dinner is the tricky because it’s entirely likely your parents are watching. Do
it in this order. Eat everything that is not your vegetables, then go to the
bathroom. Think about Andrea McCarren barfing up pizza on her math book in 7th
grade and the lingering smell in the air even after she left and the janitor
came in with the sawdust. Let go of whatever meat and potato you’ve gobbled up
in front of Mom and the father figure. Turn the water on right when it comes up
to avoid suspicion. Then flush as quickly as possible because your Mom hates it
when you run the water and will annoyingly ask you if you’re taking a shower or
washing your hands. Return to the table, eat your vegetables.
Snacks: Air popped popcorn and chocolate ExLax are acceptable. It’s not like
you’re going to need your metabolism when you’re older.
Skip breakfast, unless there is bacon cooking in which case swap the Sunday and
Saturday rules immediately. Mom only cooks one morning a week, so risk is low
the temptation will be back in the morning.
Lunch: Claim you’ll be eating at your friend’s house. Tell your friend you ate
at home. Calorie free.
If you are at home through the entire lunch event, eat whatever is put in front
of you and when you’re cleaning up, eat everything you’re allegedly putting
away. Eat pickles and olives from the jars in the fridge door. Are there
cookies? While your mom is in the garden, eat them, but don’t get caught up in
chewing or tasting, those are fool’s games. Grab a few saltines on your way to
your room, promising you’ll be outside shortly. You will. Lay on your bed and
watch the clock. For the first five minutes, enjoy the feeling of fullness, the
clear headed-ness. The next five minutes press your hands to your stomach and
note how spongy and bloated it feels, imagining how ghastly it must look. Think
about Andrea’s math book incident, run to the bathroom and let it all go again
Brush teeth, return to kitchen, eat three saltines to cleanse the palette, and
Dinner: Follow weekday procedure unless there are guests or you are in a
restaurant. If you’re dining out, this is the one time you are allowed to both
eat and keep your food, provided you eat precisely half whatever you order. No
one will notice because you will declare everything so delicious you must give
oversized “bites” to everyone at the table, insisting they taste it. Order last
so you don’t have anything someone else orders, or you won’t be able to give
away half your meal. If there’s company, eat with pleasure, but throw up in the
basement and accept you’re losing your vegetable serving for the meal. Take two
multi vitamins before bed to compensate.
It’s bacon day, don’t hold back. Eat the bacon. You waited all week for this.
Eat eggs and toast and potatoes, drink orange juice. God that feels fantastic.
You love breakfast so much. Do all your homework right away while you can think.
Dinner: You really did it this time. How much bacon did you eat? What’s wrong
with you. You are so paying for this. Eat half of what you feel you deserve,
which should be so little it’s impossible for any of your food to touch on the
plate. You may not keep your vegetables. Take three multi vitamins while doing
the dishes after you have freed this pathetic meal from your grossly fat
stomach. If you keep this up you’re going to lose the ability to see the second
rib and you’ll have to use one of the holes the belt buckle came with, not the
one your father figure made in the belt because it had gotten too big.
Follow this closely and with the right amount of additional self loathing, you
too can stay pretty through high school
Beauty tips from the red carpet
IT'S that time of year again, when women all over the country turn into fashion
As we fawn over stunning gowns and sparkling jewellery, we also cast our eyes
over the looks that make the headlines for the wrong reasons.
We're in the heart of the awards season - the Golden Globes, Baftas, Grammys and
Soon, all eyes will be glued to the ultimate awards ceremony, the Oscars, which
takes place this Sunday.
The eye-catching dresses and glamorous beauty of the stars on the red carpet
will act as an inspiration for many women, even if they have no plans to collect
an award anytime soon.
Hairdos at these events tend to fall within two main categories: up-dos and
Penelope Cruz, Eva Longoria and Ugly Betty star Ashley Jensen have favoured
loose tresses recently, while Kate Winslet and Teri Hatcher kept their hair away
from their faces.
"Healthy and voluptuous blow dries are big news for red carpet events this
year," says celebrity hairdresser Mark Hill.
"This year's award season is full of serenity and softness as stars float up the
red carpet in ethereal style.
Grecian glamour is one of the hottest new hair trends for events, with curls,
braids and soft movement.
"Undoubtedly, the most successful styles are soft and sexy with plenty of
movement and body."
Two styles stood out at the Baftas - Joely Richardson chose to go straight and
sleek, while Bond girl Eva Green's hair looked more like a bird's nest than an
Get the look
Massey Ravenini, master stylist at Charles Worthington, did Joely's hair,
creating volume by lifting and separating hair at the roots and through the
"Section the back, top, fringe and sides with big clips. Starting at the back,
unclip and style one section at a time," she explains.
She used Charles Worthington Smoothing Volumiser brush, '7.95 at Boots or
cwlondon.com, to lift hair, before pulling away to dry the length.
Add further volume with Mark Hill Root Volumising Mist, '5.49, or John Frieda
Volume Thickening Fix It spray, '4.49, both from Boots.
"A shot of cool air will set the hair and close the cuticles, giving extra
A spritz of Charles Worthington Dream Hair Sublime Style Super-Fine Hairspray,
'4.99, or Toni & Guy Shine Addiction Sparkle And Shine Mist, '4.99 from Boots,
will keep hair frizz-free and smooth all night.
Make-up at the Baftas was quite subdued, with many actresses sticking to `safe'
"Most people asked for strong, sexy and smoky eyes with porcelain skin, natural
lips and cheeks, and each look was then tailored to suit the individual," says
Lancome's make-up artist Amanda Bell, who worked on Sienna Miller and Emily
"For example, Tamara Mellon opted for a `cat-eye' look while Emily Watson's look
was slightly 60s-inspired.
The most popular shades were metallic silver and midnight blues."
There was also a resurgence of lipstick rather than lipgloss.
"Lipstick is more feminine - there's nothing else than a soft satin sheen on
lips," she says.
"The two dominant lips were the classic glam red lip with a metallic gold sheen
or an iridescent peachy shade."
And it wasn't just the women who needed help from the experts.
"Even the men wanted matte complexions, so we used Lancome's Pure Focus T-Zone
Instant Mattifying Powder Gel on Ian McKellen, Forest Whitaker and Michael
Get the look
You don't have to be in the running for a golden statue to use Lancome's Bafta
Take a leaf out of the stars' books - Colour Focus Eye Palette in blue (311),
below, '29.50, was used on Sienna, while the sultry plum 310 palette was used on
"I made Sienna's eyes the focus of her face by using the silvery blue hue and
black kohl eyeliner, applying the shimmery shades in the palette across the lids
so that they caught the light when she looked downwards," Amanda says.
Amanda also has a clever trick to make lips look plumper.
"I layer lipstick with lipgloss for amazing volume. The colour lasts longer, and
it gives a 3D effect.
On Sienna, I used a mixture of 310 Pink To The Club Colour Fever shimmer
lipstick, topped with two glosses.
One was a luminous peach shade, the other a sparkling beige."
Bourjois Effet 3D High Shine Lip Colour, '6.95, and By Terry Laque De Rose
SPF15, '24 from Space NK (020 8740 2085), give you 3D-looking colour without the
To add the finishing touches, get Hollywood glamour at your fingertips with
Elegant Touch's Leading Ladies nail colour collection.
Named after some of the world's most beautiful actresses, each shade captures
the allure of these screen legends.
Unleash your inner vamp with Angelina, a sensual deep red, soft pink Grace or
dark plum Halle.
The range is available from Superdrug, Boots, John Lewis and supermarkets,
The Ultimate Beauty Tip Guide
Do you get sick of those black heads that constantly appear at exactly the
wrong time? Here's a tip: Use a very mild exfoliant about twice a week. But
don't over do it - that can be harsh on the skin and make matters worse.
2 To prevent dry and chapped lips, try to keep your lips as soft a possible by
not licking them and by drinking plenty of water to prevent dehydration. And
when it comes to lip balm - you can never have too much! Apply and re-apply,
especially before bed to help moisturise your lips while you sleep. When
participating in outdoor activity, use a lip balm that contains a SPF of at
least 15 to prevent sunburn. Add base coat of lip balm prior to applying
lipstick during the dry winter months. If lips become chapped, avoid wearing
lipsticks while lips are recovering as it may irritate your lips.
3 For the desireable evening look, mix your scented body lotion with some
shimmer powder. This will give your body a beautiful shine and will look great
with anything that reveals skin, such as a backless dress.
4 Zap those red spots! Apply eye drops to blemishes to reduce the redness.
5 Wear sun block on the beach even if you plan to spend the day under an
umbrella. The sand reflects light that will cause you to tan or burn even in the
6 Ok, you know that hair removal stuff that is called Epil-Stop and spray? Well,
it is supposed to cleanse your skin with no irratation and no bumps. It also
says that all you have to do is spray and wipe it away and the hair is gone.
Well I tried it and you have to leave this cream stuff on for 10 to 15 minutes!
And it does leave bumps and you have to shave it because it does not remove all
the hair. It left little scabs on my arms. And it BURNED really badly when the
cream stuff is on. So my tip is NEVER, EVER use epil stop and spray ever!
-- Sent by Samantha
7 I highly recommend the Venus from Gillete. It works perfect and keeps you
really smooth fo a long time. A lot of people think the refills are too
expensive, and they are, but they give you a lot and last for a week.
-- Sent by Christina
8 Mix one teaspoon of baking soda with a few drops of lemon juice to create a
bleaching agent. Brush your teeth with regular tooth paste; rinse, then brush
using the new mixture and rinse again. Do this every day and your teeth should
look brighter in a few weeks.
Sent by Amandi
9 To keep teeth bright, sip coffee or tea through a straw and swish water around
your mouth after eating foods rich in color, such as berries or soy sauce.
Always brush your teeth twice a day and get dental cleanings every six months.
The result: your teeth will twinkle.
-- Sent by Amandi
1 To stop that awful hair static, try spraying a product like Static Guard on
brushes and hats.
2 Be gentle with your hair especially when it's wet. To avoid deadly split ends,
use a wide-tooth comb after washing your hair and try not to yank and pull it in
3 For beautiful shiny hair, wash and blow dry it the night before. Your own
natural oils will add to making it more shiny in the morning. You could also try
one of the many products on the market to increase the shine on your hair. Be
careful not to overdo it though; it could end up looking like a big greasy
4 To make it easier to style hair, heat up your styling products (such as
pomade) with blow dryer before you use them. This makes it easier to apply, and
easier to style.
5 To avoid greasy hair, scrub your scalp very lightly when washing hair. When
scalp is scrubbed harshly, sebaceous glands are activated, and this produces
1 To avoid your nails splitting, always use a moisturiser after washing your
hands and file nails only when wearing polish.
2 Speed dry your nails by dipping them in ice cold water.
3 To avoid discoloring of nails, always use a base coat on nails before using
colored nail polish. This stops the colored polish from being in direct contact
with the nail.
4 To avoid nail breakage, wear nail polish (either coloured or clear) on longer
nails frequently to re-enforce the nail.
5 To make hands softer, soak them in whole milk for five to ten minutes.
1 To get your eyelash curler to work ten times better, heat it for 20 seconds on
the low power setting with you blowdryer. it makes your eyelashes perk right up!
-- Sent by Rachelle
2 If you want to have nice kissable lips for the evening, I would suggest using
something like lip smackers by bonne belle with over a shade of lipstick that
suits your skin color. It keeps your lips pretty, glossy, and moist.
-- Sent by Lauren
I'm not usually a fan, but every once in a while a girlfriend passes on a
beauty tip I can actually use.
This may be revealing far more than I should about my personal life, but here
If you keep a box of handy dandy Neutrogena makeup remover towlettes right on
your nightstand, you won't wake up to day-old mascara, new zits, and a hangover.
Isn't that miraculous?
Now if someone could do something about curing that hangover*...
* Which, by the way, Neutrogena in no way endorses. Nor do they recommend using
their towlettes while intoxicated. Nor do they believe you should even listen to
a 30-something lush who's just going to bed now, when the rest of the world is